i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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