I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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