I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
