i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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