I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
