the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Found your dick twin last night
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
