I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
