You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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