she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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