I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Less talking, more tequila
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Randomize
