All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
