Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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