That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
