he thought i was a dude.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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