that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
