I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
