So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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