my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
