i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
