Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
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I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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