yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
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He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
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Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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