Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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