I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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