Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
