so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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