So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
