Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
