i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
be right there i have to get my cape
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
