onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
