Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
