I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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