If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
