I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize