i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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