the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
