HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
