Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.