I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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