I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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