Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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