Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize