The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
