So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
