if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
