Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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