he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
