This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
