i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
