Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
