You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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