The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
