peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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