There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
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We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
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after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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