I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
