I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Randomize
