Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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