I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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