life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I didn't notice because vodka
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
