I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
